Today his pants, tomorrow the world!
My shorts nearly bested me today. It vexes me to think that a pair of shorts almost outsmarted me. I had just stepped out from the shower, and since the house in which I currently reside is filled with people who would rather not see me skip around with my waist girded by a fluffy blue towel, I threw on a set o' shorts to cross from the bathroom into my bedroom. However, when the time came for me to cast aside the shorts in favour of the pants I wanted to wear...technical difficulties arose.
To properly understand the struggle that ensued between me and the shorts, you must take into consideration that these shorts are, for lack of a better term, drawstring. In order for them to stay around my waist, two ends of cord must be tied together in a bow. Like a pair of shoelaces. Tying them into a bow was easy. Apparently, however, it requires much more dexterity and intelligence to undo the bow.
I suppose the shorts felt that they deserved some time out with me; I usually wear shorts indoors, and prefer full-length pants whenever I am outdoors. (That saves people from being blinded by my well-toned and very pale legs) Perhaps the shorts grew jealous or vindictive. Perhaps they went stir-crazy. Whatever the cause might have been, a simple bow turned into an ugly knot, the likes of which required me a good minute or two to carefully undo.
In the end, I prevailed and proved why human beings are higher on the rungs of the evolutionary ladder than pants. Yet I am still concerned at how easily they were able to outsmart me, even if it was only temporary. This could be the prelude to a vicious war between humanity and pants, where the pants will attack their owners in a bid to rule the world.
Think about it: since pants are wrapped around our legs, they can force us to walk where they want us to walk. If pants are able to suddenly move without anyone inside of them (as demonstrated with terrifying description by Dr. Seuss in his book
The Snitches & Other Stories), they could pounce on unsuspecting humans, wrap their jean-skinned legs around our arms and chests, and like a puppeteer force us to do scary things. What those scary things might be, I don't know, for I'm too terrified to consider such things, though I'm sure they would be scary if I dared to try!
And heaven help us all if pants suddenly decide that they're carnivorous!
Today my shorts declared war on me. After a brief but exhausting struggle, I claimed the victory. Yet not without suffering a price. Now whenever I turn off the lights in my room as I go to sleep, I shall have to keep one eye open on the seemingly harmless blue jeans laid out over the back of my chair.....
Today's Lesson: It may not be paranoia if your pants are actually after you. (Though whether or not it's just stupidity on your part remains to be seen.)
posted by Phillip at 2:17 PM
